two>>one

September’s over and Blacktober’s well underway. I feel confident that I can now say – the second year of medical school is so much better than the first year in so many ways.

The classes aren’t any easier, but they (for the most part) are much more interesting and applicable. I’m not studying any less, but I pretend that I’m studying better. I’m spending much less time at school and much more time hidden away in my office, with my dogs and my kettle and my laundry piles… and it’s so much better. Things are hard, but I’ve proven to myself that I can survive almost anything.

And while things are far more manageable this year, I can’t shake this funk I’ve fallen into.

I don’t know what music to listen to. I don’t know what to cook for dinner. I don’t know what to do with my hair. I don’t know how to deal with myself. I don’t know how to deal with other people. Problematic.

I’ve always had a short fuse, but I’ve prided my ability to internalize and analyze and react to people appropriately. Right now, my patience is razor thin. This is bad. Bad, bad. I don’t have the mental capacity to deal with incompetency. Or generalized meanness. And I have no filter. So I keep my mouth shut as much as possible.

Maybe I’m developing some disorder. GAD? Maybe I’m spending too much time alone (or with the puppies). Or maybe I’m just hyper-aware of what’s going on around me and sick to death of nonsense…

Weird funk aside, life is good. I’ll just keep my mouth shut and my head down and hope I wake up on the other side of October intact.

 

 

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