just like them

The past few weeks have been… how do I say this delicately… ____ rough.

**insert any expletive that makes you feel good… yell it at the top of your lungs. thanks.

It’s ok. I’m in medical school. It’s hard. I get it. The end.

But sometimes, I forget about the things I’m missing out on.

Tonight, after (some much-needed, loud, intense, sweaty, beautiful) yoga, I was in the dressing room getting myself together when I overheard two girls (about my age) discussing the pros and cons of attending a friend’s party.

I want to go to a party. I’m just like them… I remember having fun. I remember days when my biggest hurdle was deciding where to have fun at night. It really wasn’t so long ago.

Instead of dwelling, I packed up my things and moved on with my life.

On my way to the grocery store, I was talking on the phone with my mom about our search for a rental house. I noticed all these cute little houses for sale in exactly the neighborhood I would like to live in. And then I started to get a little choked up.

By the time I pulled into the parking lot at Whole Foods, I was in full-on-out-of-control-sobbing mode. I know. It just happens sometimes.

It’s nights like these when shit really hits me. I’m not like everyone else. I’m sacrificing years of my life so that I can put a couple of letters behind my name. I won’t get this time back.

So I do without things that normal people my age are doing. I don’t get to get married. I don’t get to own a home. I don’t get to have babies. I don’t get to go to parties. I don’t get to sleep in on Sundays. I don’t get to take vacations. I don’t get to relax.

study-eat-yoga-sleep

And by the time I finally get to enjoy real life, I’ll be 30.

So I sobbed in the parking lot for twenty minutes, wiped my nose on some scrubs I found in my floorboard and tried to pull myself together. Went into the grocery store and moved on.

And now I’ll spend my weekend studying for an exam that I probably won’t pass.

This is what I want to do. I wouldn’t be happy doing anything else. These days of hell will pay off someday. This is what I want to do.

I wouldn’t be happy doing anything else…

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5 Responses to just like them

  1. natnekou says:

    after reading this, I want to:
    1. hug you.
    2. cry really really really hard.
    3. cry some more.
    4. hug you really hard.
    5. keep crying
    6. keep reading blumenfeld, because at the end of all of that, I feel EXACTLY the same way.
    I wouldn’t change this time in my life for anything, even if it’ll be 5 years before we can have houses, marriages, kids, normal party-filled nights.
    just think, we’ll have even better nights because the next morning, we’ll be able to wake up knowing we are doing what we love.

  2. doforyou says:

    And this, my friend, is why I love you. We’re doing this thing, and it sucks, but it’s ok. Just promise me that you’ll invite me to your parties forever and ever amen.

  3. jennduroy says:

    I should not have read this on a study break…. filled my eyes with tears!
    why am I sitting in my study carrel, preparing for a test next week instead of hanging out with my husband? I saw babies last night at the store and oh gosh! Mike and I talked about babies last night! why can’t we be normal…. oh that’s right because what we want to do with our lives we want to love! we want to be the people that bring babies into the world and take care of others….. oh Neuro thank goodness spring break is so close.

  4. Kalyn Cavalier says:

    Haley, I love you.

    I do this sometimes, too… when life just gets to be overwhelming when the reality of husbands, mortgages and babies gets to be a little too much.

    ❤ I'm so proud to be your friend and I love your honesty.

    Our cool and funky baby doctor reminds me of you.. just so you know.

  5. DanielleK says:

    I’m pretty sure this made me cry last night… and all day today. Well that, and the current rush of hormones in my body! You hit the nail right on the head. I just have to keep reminding myself that I wouldn’t be happy doing anything else… this is what I wanted to do. We’ll get through it love! Just one breath at a time! 🙂

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