The past few weeks have been… how do I say this delicately… ____ rough.
**insert any expletive that makes you feel good… yell it at the top of your lungs. thanks.
It’s ok. I’m in medical school. It’s hard. I get it. The end.
But sometimes, I forget about the things I’m missing out on.
Tonight, after (some much-needed, loud, intense, sweaty, beautiful) yoga, I was in the dressing room getting myself together when I overheard two girls (about my age) discussing the pros and cons of attending a friend’s party.
I want to go to a party. I’m just like them… I remember having fun. I remember days when my biggest hurdle was deciding where to have fun at night. It really wasn’t so long ago.
Instead of dwelling, I packed up my things and moved on with my life.
On my way to the grocery store, I was talking on the phone with my mom about our search for a rental house. I noticed all these cute little houses for sale in exactly the neighborhood I would like to live in. And then I started to get a little choked up.
By the time I pulled into the parking lot at Whole Foods, I was in full-on-out-of-control-sobbing mode. I know. It just happens sometimes.
It’s nights like these when shit really hits me. I’m not like everyone else. I’m sacrificing years of my life so that I can put a couple of letters behind my name. I won’t get this time back.
So I do without things that normal people my age are doing. I don’t get to get married. I don’t get to own a home. I don’t get to have babies. I don’t get to go to parties. I don’t get to sleep in on Sundays. I don’t get to take vacations. I don’t get to relax.
And by the time I finally get to enjoy real life, I’ll be 30.
So I sobbed in the parking lot for twenty minutes, wiped my nose on some scrubs I found in my floorboard and tried to pull myself together. Went into the grocery store and moved on.
And now I’ll spend my weekend studying for an exam that I probably won’t pass.
This is what I want to do. I wouldn’t be happy doing anything else. These days of hell will pay off someday. This is what I want to do.
I wouldn’t be happy doing anything else…