I wish I had four ounces of concentration. I could probably get by on less.
Just any little push to focus on important things… like school? Maybe this exam I have tomorrow? Possibly on the 48 pages of study guide that I have in my lap?
The thing is… I just don’t care. Straight up. Don’t.
And it’s biochem. Really? I know biochem. I understand biochem. Once upon a time I knew these mechanisms backward, forward and upside down. More than that – I understood them. But now I’m in the med school… and I’ve somehow forgotten every piece of life that I thought I understood.
You think you know up from down. You think you know right from wrong. You think you know full from empty. You think you know the back of your hand. But you don’t. Do. Not.
The back of the hand? Yeah… I failed that exam. Really and truly and in a grand fashion.
And now I don’t know how to feed myself or get dressed in the morning. I wear TOMs so that I don’t have to tie my shoes. I’ve regressed to the skill sets of a six year old. Except now I’m full of information. Numbers, formulas, flowcharts. And I don’t know where to begin understanding them.
Burnout is a strange thing. It isn’t as sure and enveloping as I would have expected.
I can tell you the exact moment I lost it during my year of AmeriCorps service. It involved 9 hours in the car and dehydration. And crying. A lot of crying.
I’m sure that this morning, I can say that I’m burnt out on studying for some things. Biochem? Over. It. I spend one to two hours a day absorbing biochem at an alarming volume. I sit in the second row in the lecture hall. When our prof gets animated, it’s like he’s yelling at me. And it makes my heart race and my head ache… and so I’m over biochem. I don’t care.
Anatomy? I thought I was burnt out on that… but I feel like I’m getting my second wind. For once, failure is working to my advantage.
Histo? Cake. I look forward to that class. Go back to August, tell my past self what I’m saying and she’ll smack you. It’s true, though.
And OMM really is medical incredible. The end.
So halfway into the semester, I’ve evaded illness, kept my head on and remembered to shower at least three times a week. I’ve figured out what works and what doesn’t when I’m trying to absorb and process information.
So now I just have to “muck up” and get through today. Tomorrow’s the exam, and then we move forward.
Just have to keep moving forward…