every autumn singes

These secondary applications will be the death of me.

For some reason, I convinced myself that the primary application would be my highest hurdle to acceptance. I poured my heart into that personal statement. Now I have to reach into my deep dark parts and see if I can pull out anything else worth saying. How do I stay within the confines of not being to humble and not bragging? How do I show complete strangers that I am worthy while I doubt myself daily?

I have no doubt that I will pull myself together and come out on top. It’s what I do. I get myself into things that I can’t possibly handle and then bob and weave my way to the finish line. And then I turn around and have only a vague notion of how I did it.

Interviews – I can shine.

Meanwhile, in the real world, I have begun my year of service. Pre-service training was in Santa Fe earlier this month. How can I say this without sounding foolish – the week was empowering. Possibly life changing. Absolutely eye opening. I met new people and learned about things I had never imagined. While the majority of the NAF group seemed to know exactly why they were there, I talked to many individuals who felt as clueless as I did. For some reason, knowing about the shared experiences, fears and goals strengthened me. I overcame physical and mental walls – I totally climbed a rock wall in the process. I was slightly sad to leave Santa Fe, but was excited for the year to come.

Cliché, disgusting, completely not me. I know.

And so, back in the small city, I am beginning. Monday was my first day of work – slightly uneventful for a number of reasons. I am getting into the groove. Things will surely pick up before I am entirely ready for them to.

As I figure out my goals and priorities for the year, I hope that I can maintain my energy. I am doing something real. I have more freedom than I ever imagined. My impact will be small, but people will appreciate my work.

I am working to separate my shy, sarcastic self from the person I need to be to empower those around me. This process will absolutely be difficult, and it may be ugly, but this is what I need to do. I need to find a way to be real with people.

And so, back to work. AmeriCorps, med school applications, changing the world – I’ll figure it all out in just enough time.

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One Response to every autumn singes

  1. Daniel says:

    Reading your latest narritave is like riding the Big Dipper, you need to remind folks to fasten thier seatbelts before reading. Keep up the good work and your chin!

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